Muddling Shakespeare
by MockingjayWolf
Summary: Henry IV and Macbeth become children's books. Malvolio wreaks his revenge via the Weird Sisters. Orlando writes some TRULY horrible poetry about Rosalind. Shylock hosts a cooking show. And the Bard is turning over in his grave. Yikes.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N:** _So... new story. I love Shakespeare, and, like a nerd, went to study Shakespeare for 3 weeks over summer. Now, a couple of the easier assignments we had were to change up and/or write a sequel to some of his plays. This was the mess that followed. I'm doing the plays out of order, so the chapters will tell you which poor play will be mutilated. Enjoy!  
P.S. Henry IV is changed a... little, as it is converted into a children's book. Don't like, don't read. And... I'm sorry, in advance._

_!~~!_

**THE TALE OF HENRY THE HAPPY AND HOTSPUR THE HATEFUL**  
_Previously known as Henry IV, Part 1, before it was butchered, chopped up and glued back together as a children's book._

__Once upon a time, there was a great and jolly king named Henry the Happy. He was a great and jolly king and was loved by his people for being a great and jolly king.

But there was one person who didn't like King Henry, and his name was Hotspur the Hateful. He was bald and ugly, which instantly qualified him as evil. Anyways, Hotspur wanted a friend of his named Morty to be king, and so he stole some of King Henry the Happy's followers, hoping to convince them to join Morty's side.

All of a sudden, Henry was less of a jolly king. He was still great, but he was sad. And so he talked with his best friends about how to get his stolen followers back, so he could once more be a great and jolly king. However, Henry was also sad that his son, Prince Hal the Oh-So-Handsome-And-Young, was not there to help him plan.

Hal was a handsome young prince, but his friend, Falstaff the Fat, who also happened to be the great and jolly king's least favorite person, was a bad friend. Falstaff, while jolly, was not so great - he drank lots of... water, dangerously unbalancing his... flesh:water ratio.

Soon, though, Henry took Hal to DisneyLand ("The Most Magical Place on Earth for Kings and Their Sons to Reconcile") to have 'father-son' time.

On Space Mountain, Henry the Happy turned to Hal. "Hal," said Henry in a great and jolly way. "You must change. You are making me embarrassed with all of your drinking."

"Okay, Daddy," said Hal in a young and handsome way. "I will be a better son."

And that was that.

Meanwhile, Hotspur the Hateful recieved some evil and ugly news - his daddy was too sick with a cold to come and help Morty become king, and his friend Mr Northy had become scared of helping because he had read a horoscope in _Seventeen _magazine that said, "You will get grumpy." And so he stayed home.

"Oh, well," said Hotspur in an evil and ugly way. "Well, to battle!"

The battle was long and hard, but none of King Henry's men, in lovely silver suits of armor that river-nymphs had given them, were hurt, while many of Hotspur the Hateful's men, thinking that King Henry's great and jolly silver armor was the moon, thought it was night and all went to sleep for a very long time.

Meanwhile, Hal and Hotspur fought, but because Hal was so young and handsome, Hotspur could not hurt him. Suddenly, in a young and handsome way, Hal said, "Mr Hotspur, you're very grumpy. Is this because you missed your afternoon nap?"

Hotspur thought for a moment. "You're right!" he said in an evil and ugly way, and laid down to take a long nap.

Hal, who got bored in a young and handsome way, wandered off to do something young and handsome.

Meanwhile, Falstaff woke up from a short nap he had been taking nearby, and looked at Hotspur in a fat and druken-on-water way.

"I will go tell everyone that _I _was the one to tell Hotspur to take a nap," he said in a fat and drunken-on-water way, and off he went.

When Falstaff told everyone, the young and handsome Hal said, "Hey! I told him to take a nap, not you!" in a young and handsome way.

"Oh," said Falstaff in a fat and drunken-on-water way. "Well, can we share the glory?"

Hal thought for a moment, and then said in a young and handsome way, "Because sharing is the young and handsome thing to do, okay."

And everyone hugged and kissed in a great and jolly way, and they all lived happily ever after.

THE END

!~!

**A/N:** _Yikes. I am _so _sorry. Please don't think this is the best I can do. This collection of scraps is meant to be read for humor and enjoyment only. I respect the Bard and all of his works. Don't kill me._


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: **Thanks to readers so far. Again, I feel as though I should apologize in advance, to everyone out there, and the Bard himself. This chapter might be a little confusing - and I know exactly why. Basically, while Thirteenth Night is going on, the director gets annoyed and fires the 'Stage Direction Dude'... and fires the new one... and again... and again. But they keep coming back. Just try to keep up, basically. You Shakespeare readers are smart - you'll get it. And thanks to reviewers, **Cordelia Rosencrantz** (I love your username - Hamlet is one of my favorite plays) and **Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley** (I, personally, am a huge fan of Tom Hiddleston's work, and loved his performance in Henry IV, Parts 1& 2, and, although to a lesser extent, Henry V as well).  
**Disclaimer:** I do not own any of the Bard's plays, nor his characters from Twelfth Night, Macbeth or Midsummer Night's Dream. I do not own Charlie Brown, either, and all of the story that sounds like something he would say are quotes from the original comic strip, albeit with some past tense/present tense modifications.

Enjoy, and please review!

**~:~:~:~**

**THIRTEENTH NIGHT: IN PERFECT CONTEMPORARY ENGLISH**

_**Act 1, Prologue**_

_[The scene: a dock. A few people bustle about the place, but it is a hooded figure that we focus on as he makes his slow way across the stage, muttering inaudibly to himself. Wait a momen- why am I in ITALICS? I'm the stage direction dude! I demand to be in CAPS LOCK ALL THE TIME! Oh, I see how it is. You think YOU DECIDE WHEN I'M IN CAPS LOCK? WELL, this is JUST MAKING THE READER dizzy. Haha. You're LOSING READERS. Wait, NO, don't cut me off, I still have to set the sce-]_

**Fabian:** _Malvolio! Malvolio!_ My lady wishes to offer you peace!

_[Silence. SEE? YOU CANNOT DEFEAT ME! I AM THE STAGE DIRECTION DU - a __Boy__ enters... STOP IT!]_

**Boy:** Hello, mister. Looking for someone in particular?

**Fabian**: Oh, dear - have you seen a stuffy-looking man, perhaps with a cloak and hood?

**Boy:** I've seen a lot of stuffy-looking men.

_[__Fabian__ flips a coin towards him. I'M BACK, BABY, AND BETTER THAN V$# - WHAT THE heCK? WHy are YOU REPLACing my letters with keyboard symbols? I AM THE STAGE DIRECTION DUDE - you cannot defeat !7^)( $#!)-]_

**Fabian:** There's a coin. Now, where is he?

**Boy:** Went to a boat called _the Tiger_ - headed to Scotland.

**Fabian:** God buy you!

_[Exit Fabian]_

**Boy:** And you, mister. _[Raises a hand dramatically]_ Now, TO THE CANDYSTORE!

_[Exeunt. HA! See? Even tHE CHARacters are using CAPS LOCK! I win! ]_

_**Act 1, Scene 1**__**  
**_

_[The scene: the Scottish Highlands. Malvolio trudges up and down them, panting. Lovely Scotland. Took me bird there once. Oh, yeah. I'm the replacement stage direction guy. 'Ello, love. 'Ow ya doin'? Yesh, I took dis job caws I was in dyre need of the green stuff, ya know. Anyhoo, what was I saying, I took me bird to Scotland. It was fun. And-]_

**Malvolio**_ [Panting. Anyway, as I was saying-]: _Stupid... Scottish... hills.

**Three Witches** _[Chanting. Anyway, as I was saying-]_: We three witches, hand in hand...

**Malvolio:** There they are! _Vamanos!_

_[Malvolio grabs a purple backpack and a monkey, which screeches in annoyance. Ya know, mac, it's really rude to cut off people when they're talkin' and-]_

**Three Witches: **Posters of the sea and land...

**Malvolio:** Um... excuse me?

**Second Witch:** Shut up!

**Malvolio:** How dare you speak to me that way?! Give me a potion!

**First Witch:** What's the magic word?

**Malvolio:** Uh... 'double double toil and trouble'?

**Third Witch: **Oh, please. We never actually used that!

**Malvolio:** I have no time for Illyrian Jeopardy, hag! The potion?

**First Witch: **What do you want it to do?

**Malvolio:** I want my revenge. I wish for my enemies to bath in the soil of their own-

**First Witch:** Uh uh uh, sonny. You had me at 'revenge'. Let's go, ladies!

**Second Witch** _[Clearly a male]_: Yeah!

_[Cue disco music. You know, lady, you could stand to learn some manners. Me bird knows her manners, so she does. Anyway, as I was saying-]_

**Third Witch**: ABRACADABRA HOKEY-POKEY SKITTLES!

_[HAHA! I'm BaCk! AnD YOUR chaRacterS are UsiNg CAPS LOCK. I WIN! I WIN!]_

_[Go away, man. The position's been filled, so it has.]_

**Malvolio:** Really? That's all it takes?

**First Witch: **Yup. William really exaggerated our spells. Now, this poem will cause two of your enemies to switch minds, brains, spirits, whatever. Not bodies. Just say their names to the vial and the spell will work.

**Malvolio: **Huh. Well, thank you.

**Three Witches:** Beware, beware, beware!

_[A scream echoes offstage. Ya know, ya'll know ya'll gonna have to get rid of this other guy. He's annoyin'.]_

_[TAKes ONE 2 KNOw onE, BUddY.]_

**Malvolio:** Whatever.

_**Act 1, Scene 2 **_

_[Enter Malvolio, dressed as a girl. Okay, so you know I'm, like, the new stage direction gal. And I like puppies and ponies and death and pink and rainbows and-]_

**Malvolio:** The things you have to do to get a job these days.

_[Enter Olivia. Like, she's pretty, but not as pretty as me. Anyway. Like.]_

**Olivia:** Welcome, good-

**Malvolio:** Uh. Malvol...ia.

**Olivia:** Welcome, good Malvolia. Well, you can start right away. If you need anything, just talk to Maria. She's great.

**Malvolio** _[Falsetto. Like, that's so sexist. Or racist. I, like, forget. Puppies]_: Well, I'm ever so glad that you had a job opening for head servant.

**Olivia:** Yes, well now you can boss all the other servants around. Won't that be wonderful? _[Her voice switches to angry. Like, you go girl!]_SEBASTIAN, WHERE ARE MY SHOES?

_[HUrRay! CAPS LOCK!]_

_[Will someone please get him out 'a here? He's upsettin' my bird, dontcha know.]_

_[That's sexist! Or racist. I, like, forget. Anyway, this is MY job now.]_

_[HurRay! CAPS LOCK!]_

_[Go, like, away!]_

**Sebastian**_ [Offstage. Well, I think they're, like, gone. Thank, like, goodness.]_**:** Coming, dear.

_[Exit Olivia.]_

**Malvolio:** Oh, good witches' potion, switch the minds of Count Orsino and Lady Olivia.

_[Lights flicker on and off. Ooh, like, spooky.]_

**Malvolio:** Well, this certainly won't backfire.

_**Act 1, Scene 3 **__**  
**_

**Chorus: **Three days later, everything was chaos. Oh, and the stage direction girl was fired. Instead, a young boy wearing no shirt was hired. We believe he was Jacob Black. But he was wearing a diaper, so he might have been Edward Cullen. Or a baby. We're not sure.

_[Enter Orsino, looking, confused, at his pelvis. Gahuhgygy! Huyjhlhuko! Hjgghghvghfdrj/jk]_

**Orsino:** WHAT THE HECK? WHAT IS THIS? _[Clutches at his chest. Dhdsdfgj! Blahagsha!] _WHERE HAVE THEY GONE?

_[Yay! CAPS LOCK!]_

_[What? What're ya doin' back here? You supposed to be on a restrainin' order, so ya are!]_

_[Yuaui! Ghjklgl! Mama!]_

_[Aw! His first, like, word]_

_[Gnaygs! And so Viola entereth, strucketh by Cupid.]_

_[Uh... his, like, first sentence?]_

**Viola:** Oh, Orsino, my love! Let's go skinny-dipping!

**Orsino:** NOOO! I'm Olivia!

_[CAPS LOCK!]_

_[SHUT UP, SO YA MUST! ME BIRD IS ANNOYED!]_

_[CAPS LOCK!]_

_[Ahem... and all exeunt. And then entereth Olivia, looking confus-ed at her pelvis. And will someone be so kind as to change my diaper. It is poopy.]_

**Olivia:** WHERE IS IT? WHERE DID IT GO?

_[CAPS LOCK!]_

_[[[GET OUT OF HERE!]]]_

_[CAPS LOCK!]_

_[AHEM... Entereth Sebastian.]_

_[CAPS LOCK!]_

**Sebastian:** Olivia, my love, let us go for a walk. We can hold hands and talk about our future!

**Olivia:** Nooooooo! I'm Orsino!

_[And so they all exeunt.]_

**Act 1, Scene 4 __****  
**

_[Oh, so are we not setting the scene anymore? Okay. By the way, I'm the new scene discription guy, or whatever. The old guy grew up. I'm boring.]_

**Chorus:** And so, Olivia and Orsino were locked up. For being crazy. And Viola and Sebastian were sad.

**Viola and Sebastian: **WE'RE SAD!

_[CAPS LOCK!]_

_[Oh, hello. You know, my friend, I do like 'Caps Lock'. I find it makes an unparalleled addition to the keyboard. You know, my friend, while 'Caps Lock' is very nice, the 'Shift' key is also interesting, because-]_

_[GaH. You'RE Too BORing. I'M LEAvinG.]_

_[Well, goodbye. Anyway, enter Malvolio, still dressed as a girl, doing his happy dance - I leave this dance up to your imaginations , folks, as I have none of my own.]_

**Malvolio:** Oh yeah, come on, it's my birthday!

_[Enter Maria.]_

**Malvolio:** Uh... I mean, uh - happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to me. Happy birthday to - oh, forget it. You're fired.

**Maria:** What?

**Malvolio:** You're fired. You are fired. Y-O-U A-R-E F-I-E-R-D.

_[What? No 'Caps Lock' guy? Okay.]_

**Maria:** You spelt it wrong.

**Mavolio: **I hate you. And you're still fired.

**Maria: **Fine! Toby? Let's go! We're not wanted!

**Toby** _[Drunkenly]_: Okay. Bye-bye, Malvolia. You were... right purty.

_[Exit Maria and Toby. That's right, no annoying side-dialogue. I'm just your everyday Average Joe. No, really. My name is Average Joe.]_

**Act 2, Scene 1 __****  
**

_[Enter Fabian, looking worried. Uh oh. What's he worried about? This could be a state of national emergency. Oh; my name is Agent Pembrooke, of the CIA. Or FBI. Or WTF. Or OMG. Or GTHOUHYW. Your pick. But choose wisely. I have a gun. And a horse. And a Ferrari. Of course, they're all owned by the government, but that's not important - wait, why am I doing the scene description anyways? I thought that-]_

**Fabian:** This is terrible!

_[Enter Feste. Great. This guy. He's too strange for his own good.]_

**Feste** _[Feeling his hair. Oh great. I can smell the joke coming.]_**:** What? I just got it cut!

_[That joke is so old! I'm dying! No, wait, Feste is! I'm pulling out my gun, and - what? IT'S NOT LOADED!... Where's that 'Caps Lock' guy? Oh, well.]_

**Fabian:** Not that, idiot! I followed Mavolio after he left. To make a long story short, he's put Orsino's mind in Olivia's body and vice-versa!

**Feste:** Not again!

_[Long pause. Oh, I remember that incident. 1982, New Mexico. Not pretty.]_

**Fabian:** Wait -

**Feste:** There's no time to waste! I have someone who can help. Come, Fabian!

_[Exeunt. Finally.]_

**Act 2, Scene 2**

_[Enter Puck, to sit in the middle of the stage humming to himself. Good grief. The only person dumber than that fairy is me. I mean, if I stand in a certain spot, I can see the Little Red Haired girl when she comes out of her house... Of course, if she had seen me peeking around this tree, she'd have thought I'm the dumbest person in the world... But if I don't peek around the tree, I never would have seen her... Which meant I probably WAS the dumbest person in the world... which explained why I was standing in a batch of poison oak. But like I always say, it always look darkest before it gets totally black. Oh, and if you haven't already guesses, my name's Charlie Brown.]_

**Puck** _[Singing]_: I've got one Rolls Royce and I killed a sharky, put the potion on the fairy queen's eyes. Da da da da da -

_[Enter Feste and Fabian. I'll bet Feste gets a lot of love letters. Maybe Fabian too. But there must be millions of people all over the world who never get any love letters . . . I could be their leader. Sigh.]_

**Feste:** Puck!

**Puck:** Feste! Good to see you!

**Feste:** I need a potion.

**Puck:** Okay. _[Hands over a potion. Sigh.]_ Good luck.

**Fabian:** What? That's it? That's all?

**Puck: **Yup! Bye-bye! I've got one Rolls Royce and I killed a sharky, put the potion on the fairy queen's eyes. Da da da da da -

**Act 2, Scene 3**

**Chorus:** And so, everything went back to normal.

**All, except Malvolio:** Everything is normal. Yay!

**Chorus: **Malvolio was discovered and banished.

**All, except Malvolio:** Yay!

**Malvolio:** Not yay! Boo. BOOO!

_[CAPS LOCK!]_

_[[[[[[[Oh, hoorah. He's back.]]]]]]]_

_[MUhahaHahHA. A pAusE cOMmenCeS.]_

**All, except Malvolio:** Yay!

**Malvolio:** I hate you. ALL of you.

_[CAPS LOCK!]_

_[[[[[[[Sigh.]]]]]]]_

**_THE END. THANK GOODNESS._**


	3. Chapter 3

**As You _Don't_ Like It**

ODE TO ROSALIND  
(#30002)

_If e'er I should go blind_  
_My sight would be restored by the beauty of Rosalind._  
_If I could only e'er eat cheese rinds_  
_I would be happy, if I had Rosalind._  
_If I should e'er happen to break wind_  
_I know that Rosalind shall not mind._  
_For she is kind and refined enough_  
_To be disinclined to be maligned._  
_I do pledge myself to Rosalind,_  
_Something something….. Venetian blind._

"Oh, God Almighty," Rosalind groaned. "He's at it again."

Celia peered at the piece of paper, cut shabbily into the shape of a heart, pinned to the tree. "Well... at least he has passion," she said unhelpfully.

"We've got to stop him writing these." Rosalind leaned back and rubbed her forehead wearily. "It's humiliating. Even Oliver doesn't do this to you."

"No," Celia mused, with a dreamy smile on her face. "He just pops out to Ye Olde Elizabethan Chocolates and buys me a box."

"What the heck is a Venetian blind?!" Rosalind grabbed the paper and tore it down from the tree furiously.

Celia's brow furrowed. "I believe... it's a type of window shade."

_"Have those even been invented yet?"_

~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"All right! Time for some haikus!" Orlando cracked his knuckles loudly and grinned, leaning over the typewriter. (Which, by the way, had yet to be invented, showing that this author needs to check her facts more.)

Suddenly, he paused. "You know," he said to himself, causing the birds up in the trees (who had been watching him for the past six hours) to confirm their theory that he was, in fact, crazy as a squirrel who was trying to open a nut with his... nuts. Pretty gosh-darn crazy. "I'm just not feeling it with this typewriter. I'll switch to the Apple."

He threw the typewriter over his shoulder and picked up a slim white laptop with retina display that did more than ever, faster than ever, and was pixels ahead of its time - which, by the way, hadn't been invented yet either. Oh, for shame, author.

"Right! Let's get started!" He cracked his knuckles again and began to type furiously. Four and a half hours later, this is what he had:

_Made of true love's kiss_  
_I do give myself to thee_  
_Rosalind, I love-_

And he was out of syllables. Angrily, he counted again. _Seven-five-seven._ Great. _Now _how was he to profess his undying love? After some thought, he began again.

_Made of true love's kiss_  
_I do give myself to thee_  
_Rosalind, I love (you more than life itself and I wish to be by your side forever more and I will do anything and everything for you as you wish it I shall be your slave forever just say the word m'lady and you will never be alone ever again I love you I love you I love you)_

There. That wasn't too far over the limit. Not at all.

He smiled to himself and typed a new line of a new poem.

_Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?_  
_Thou art more-_

Orlando stopped and crossed it out. It wasn't a haiku. That sucked. No one would ever love that. He started again.

_My mistress' eyes are nothing like the sun_  
_Coral is far more red than her lips red  
If snow be white , why then-_

His fingers slammed to a halt over the keys. _Rosalind would never forgive me if I wrote that! _He crossed it out.

This was going to take a while.

~:~:~:~:~:~:~

"Orlando! I've got a bone to pick with you!"

Orlando's head shot up, a giddy expression on his face. "Rosie!" he yelled. "My Rosie! I'm here! And I've written you a poem!"

"That is just what I wanted to talk to you about, mister-"

Orlando cleared his throat and launched into another two haikus.

Beautiful and proud!  
Absolutely nothing like  
My rancid trash bin.

Rosalind turned a bright shade of red and opened her mouth to protest, but-

_Jupiter said, "I_  
_do love thee." But I do love _  
_thee more than he does._

Celia raised an eyebrow. "Well, that's just poor poetry. Not even poetry, really, just horrible prose."

Orlando smiled, seemingly deaf. "And now for a impromptu piece!"

_I would walk five miles_  
_To love you, but not five more_  
_Because I'm out of-_

He frowned, and counted the syllables. "Space," he added weakly. "I was going to say 'space'."

Rosalind looked ready to murder him. "Orlando, one more poem and I swear that I'm going to-" Well, she didn't know what she was going to do, but you could count on it being horrible.

"One more, my love! One more!" He took a deep breath, confident that this would seal her ever-lasting love for her.

_Should I sail the seven seas_  
_And eat five million tons of cheese_  
_I would never - if you please_  
_Find one like Rosa, for she's_  
_Beautiful, brainy, funny, comely,_  
_Gorgeous, cunning, witty, homely-_  
_Whoops! Not homely, I do confess_  
_For it is Rosa I do love best_  
_And as she is charming and cheerful_  
_Courageous and calm_  
_The touch of her lips would be _  
_Sweeter than cherry-flavored lip_  
_Balm._

He paused, expecting the praise to flow over him in waves.

Rosalind drew herself up to her full height (not much), and said, with a tone of finality, "Orlando? I. Want. A. Divorce."

But, of course, those hadn't been invented yet either.

~::~::~::~::~::~::~::~

**A/N:** _Sorry this took so long, I've been procrastinating. Anyways, I typed these poems out on my phone months ago, but had to write the story to go around it - it was a little shorter than I expected, but hopefully you liked it! Thanks to Cordelia Rosencrantz and Stephy-Lou Clark-Weasley for reviewing, and Merry (Late) Christmas and a Happy New Year!_


End file.
